Wow. I literally just made that my title. Well, to be honest, I don’t know if I could truly call myself fat because I never even got up past the average size for an American woman. And even then, that was an average size. I think at most I was a size 14 but mainly was a size 12. Before I felt fat (a key point I’m going to make in a minute), I was only a size 10 so not that crazy of a difference.
I don’t know what the big difference between a 10 and a 12 is but it’s a big one. It’s so big that people comment that you’ve lost weight or that you’re skinny now. I watched part of a video where a comedian was talking about her mom telling her she was thin-fat. And I low-key get that. Apparently, some women’s magazine came up with that. And while I get the obnoxiousness of the sub-category and how hurtful it is, that’s definitely how I was perceived while I was a Size 12. Bigger guys felt comfortable talking to me because I wasn’t stick-thin or fit-thin. When I was a Size 10 though, average (?) sized to thin guys would come up to talk to me.
So the reason why I used the words “felt fat” was because that’s how I was conditioned to feel. I really don’t believe I could’ve ever been classified as fat when I never made it over 200lbs (91kg). Yet even my own family shamed me, berated me, belittled me, confined me to the word fat. I’m talking about the ugly part of body positivity. Where feeling like you’re fat and feeling negative about feeling fat come together and you’re supposed to love yourself anyways. Well, feeling fat and loving yourself is extremely hard and for the people that can do that, y’all do it better than me. I was conditioned to not love myself and feel fat at the same time. That still exists inside me today.
I’d like to write a post where I can be like “and even though I felt this way, I still persevered and am now fit and fabulous and you should be just like me”. While I want everyone to be healthy, being skinny or being a fit-nut is not for everybody… or rather, it’s an extreme emotional challenge to feel ready to be up for that.
I watched something recently where a dietician said it was really very simple. If you want to lose weight, eat whole foods of each food group and eat the same amount of calories each day. The reason is because when we lose weight, we’re fighting our physiology and our body’s homeostasis to maintain things as they are. It’s really easy to stay the same weight because that’s the body’s homeostasis. So if you want to lose weight and keep it off, you have to keep doing the same things consistently. I thought that was rather profound because there are so many fad diets out there and it all feels so complicated.
And it feels very easy when you put it in that perspective, right? Here’s what I’ve learned on my journey so far. It’s easy and it’s not easy at the same time. It’s easy to do the workouts, especially when you have a trainer championing you all the way through and telling you that you are the absolute best. It’s easy when you get into the routine and you don’t even think about if you’re going to work out that day because there’s no other alternative than yes you will. It’s easy to eat the right foods when you’re doing your own thing and it starts to feel good inside that you’re doing right for yourself. But it’s hard to always say yes to doing right by yourself. Sometimes, I just get very weird and I don’t want to eat the food I’ve prepared for myself. Sometimes, cravings hit. Sometimes, before the routine has truly settled, it’s hard to get off the couch and get the workout in.
What’s important in those moments is to acknowledge them. Acknowledge that’s how you feel and that’s what happened. But then, move on and continue where you left off. That’s the cool thing about consistency is that if you don’t get emotionally embroiled in perfection and just focus on consistency, you’ll see the physical results you want but you’ll also have much better mental fortitude.
Another thing on my journey is that I’ve never made physical results a priority. I don’t work out to look sexy and I think that’s where I differ from a lot of people in motivation. I work out because it feels good to me. I like knowing I’m doing right by myself in the best way I know how. I like how it feels when I’ve accomplished something for myself that day. And yes, the physical results are very, very nice but I’ve never constricted myself to seeing a certain result by this day or I’m just a terrible human being.
I give myself patience and grace. Oh and I’m gonna give myself a new pair of Nikes for going 26 days without missing a workout (with 4 rest days in there). AND yes bitch I am now a Size M in leggings!!! That is such a big win for me. I don’t think even before I felt fat did I wear a Size M. Like this makes me feel so proud of all my hard work! The results have come in only in six months time but I’ve had to go through the hard part of learning everything that I know now. That took me 2.5 years to know how to be successful with physical results. So again, please be patient with yourself if you plan on going on a fitness journey. Love yourself even when you’re mad at yourself or are having a hard day. I will believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself!